Dreams

I know... it's been soooooooo long that you've stopped checking my page and given up on any updates...

I don't blame you...

Perhaps in some future date you'll stop by on the off chance that I posted something new and you'll find this and more...

Perhaps I've lost my audience...

Then again...

I write when moved to... and... well... as much as I love you... love is not motivation enough for me to put finger to keyboard and tax you with words I don't feel like writing...

But I've been moved...

A question asked of me that I feel compelled to respond to... to give the answer some measure of immortality through posting on the public world wide web.

This, my most public of private thought gathering, being my venue I present the following question...

What are your dreams?

So requested I immediately answered: "To be loved and fulfilled."

A glib answer with generic meanings...

To be loved...

I am sure that I have this one covered for the most part.

I am in a wonderful polyamorous relationship with the love of my life and our companions.

This brings me sooooooo much joy and happiness that I feel blessed and lucky to be alive.

The second part...

To be fulfilled...

That is still a work in progress... to be fulfilled is partially to be true to who you are, to engage in activities and a sort of life that you are proud to be living. I really don't think that being fulfilled means being successful, or achieving an end.

More I am under the impression that fulfillment is found in the journey...

For me, writing a poem is fulfilling, even if it never sells, the act of creating it is where the fulfillment is.

I am not sure if I have clearly demonstrated my thoughts and perhaps will edit or add to this blog in the future.

Thank you for your time

Kiera

My Smiling Face

This was written about two years ago and is still one of my favorites... please enjoy

My smiling face – Kiera Leanne 2/4/08

Dark abyssal depths
Constantly
Threaten to devour me
At any given moment
Without warning
Stealthily stalking; like a wolf
In sheep’s clothing
I am always caught
Unawares
Why am I…
Surprised?
It’s not as if
My existence
Is better than this
Yet I insist
On wearing the mask
Of smiles
What else can I do?
Otherwise
The burden;
Too great to be borne
Be discarded
Consuming darkness
Become my all…
Instead I must pretend
To progress
And hope pretense
Creates new reality
Otherwise
The future I long for
Recedes
Unattainable
By the likes of I
Returning
To the fiendish clutches
Of my pit of despair
No… I smile
Let the wolves come
Surprise me again
Reality must get better
Smile
I must…
I will…
Smile

GTT

Gone To Texas - So............. how is Kiera doing these days? Kiera is happy. I had the fortune of being able to travel through Virginia, Tennesee, Arkansas and a few other states lately on my travels to a safe haven in Austin, Texas. The timing really couldn't have been better, the leaves were changing colors and the weather was beautiful... truly felt like I was driving through a postcard paradise during most of this trip.

Baltimore is an awesome place, I loved being there, but nothing seemed to work, as if I wasn't meant to be there at all.

I have been here a few days... a few days and I am in heaven... who knew that Austin would be my home, the end of my gypsy days of whatever doesn't fit in the car stays behind... my yearning for the next horizon; the next new place, has been sated.

I couldn't have asked for a better welcome... could not have dreamed one better... am truly at peace.

Austin, a city that prides itself on welcoming the weird and is the live music capital of the US... here is where you'll find a happy Kiera who is putting down roots without complaint for the first time in her life...

Life is joyous

Another addition in my consolidation efforts

The following is my personal favorite poem. It also has the distinction of being my first published work.

Awakening

By KieraLeanne - 8/29/09

Silently passes
These pretenses of mine
From morbid facades
Of malevolent conformity
To Reality sublime
Constant affirmation
With a joy undreamt of…
Life unfolds
Like a plot twisted novel
The ending obscure; unknown
The past is a page away
A lifetime ago
And seen from the beginning...
Who is this stranger
Who smiles
In mirrored surfaces
From unfamiliar depths of my soul?
Whoever she is
I know she is alive
More joyous; vibrant
Than the me that was me.
And wasn’t me at all.

Art, Stress and Love - Part 2

Ok, to follow up on a few things as promised...

I have found great peace in taking time to watch the fireflies and in truly enjoying the beauty of nature. Lately I've taken to meditating and finding a clarity that is quite joyous to me. Nature is its own work of art, a masterpiece that is oft imitated by masterpieces found in museums.

I made some difficult decisions but feel at peace, I am walking the path I am meant to be walking and am better for the experience.

I was offered a part time (to start) job at a BurgerKing in Austin, TX... I know... it's such a glamorous job! But it will work to bring me closer to stable. After discussing it with friends, I will take this most prestigious of positions. Imagine that... relocating again... for a part time fast food job...

Well, not quite... moving also because I have a place to stay... no privacy... but... people I love and trust (who also offered the job) are willing to let me stay for free in exchange for the use of my car; another car in the house will allow one of them to work full time again. The extra income from that makes them more than happy to offer me a couch n a place to stay. Eventually, when I make enough money, I will take over the rent for a roomie who wants to move out.

Leaving behind? Well a sort of disaster... I moved to Baltimore for a relationship that seemed to flit away from me faster than I could get here. Won't go into all of it as I do love them still... however... I am on the lease, with no job... me staying here without a job would make things worse than me leaving and getting a job elsewhere.

The impending sense of doom I felt approaching me seemed inescapable. I... want to make things right here... but I have no resources in Baltimore, and emotionally I was being used up too...

I hope that soon I will be able to make restitution for the abandonment of a lease, mayhaps I am burning a bridge that will refuse to be repaired... I hope not...

I am moving forward in a positive direction; impending disaster seems to be retreating; The price I must pay for this bit of freedom, I accept.

Relationship: No... it is not enough to have a relationship that improves only after ending it. While I love this person, I cannot be treated this way, and choose not to spend my days trying to put Humpty back together. It's doomed and the frustrations I feel about trying to find ways to make things work without giving me up is too great. I pray that someone comes along who is truly compatible and will bring joy in their life. It is not I.

I am a better person for this experience. No regrets, I put all of me into this, and am somewhat proud of the fact that I am able to risk it all... even though it ultimately didn't work this time... Next time will... or maybe even the next...

*smiles*

This has been yet another chapter in the wild ride Kiera calls life...

I feel things are calming down... and joy is around the corner.

Your Love

I am going to repost poems n writings from all over the web to a consolidated place... here... so some of you have likely read this already, a poem I wrote to my family a while back that is important to me...

Your Love

Your love for me is tangible
It never is in doubt
You show that love in many ways
And strive to help me out

The tragedy is that you feel
So strongly about what's "right"
You taught, lived and disciplined
Your truths both day and night

I could not find myself
Not in your close held truths
No matter how hard I tried
Against me, I did choose

Our mutual love kept me trapped
In striving to do your "good"
I only denied myself
Far longer than I should

Years passed by and finally
I managed to start to heal
Finding my own deep "truths"
That, to you, are not real

You try to show your love
By calling me every day
I sometimes forget you care
When you talk to me this way

You see, your love is hurting me
And what you think is help
Is abject torture to my ears
Wrapped in loving stealth

If I were to try to do
The things that you require
To save my soul, eternally
I know that I'd expire

This love you share hurts
I cannot talk to you more
I understand why you act
and yet, I must close the door

You don't understand, You won't understand
Your beliefs get in the way
Your love for me it hurts too much
And I must stay away

And I must stay away.

Art, Stress and Love

Art is powerful, awe inspiring magic. Creation of shared experiences through the medium of poetry, song, or any other artistic endeavor is divine.

Shared a beautiful day of artistic expression with cherished ones today. I have been blessed yet again. Enriched by the favorite music, by the poetry and the love.

So enriched I, that although I am yet unemployed and feeling trapped, I am at peace.

THANK YOU

Every step of this journey is made with the loving support of my peers.

I sojourn in Baltimore. The jobs just are not responding. I am beginning to seriously question wether I should search in markets further afar from this stop on my journey. I have applied to hundreds of jobs. Hundreds n hundreds. With no results. If this continues, I will lose my car and I fear I will bring loved ones down with me...

The time is rapidly coming to a point where difficult decisions will need to be made...

In the end, I will follow my heart....

In the recent past, my heart has been torn apart and healed; demolished and rebuilt. The resulting effect?

I KNOW I am loved... I FEEL it, palpable, heady brew.

Discovered this week that in letting go, a relationship got better... is it enough?

More to follow...

Thank you Loves

Blah blah blah

So today feels wasted...

Yesterday I applied to 16 different places which made me feel quite productive... today... I... played mindless games on facebook.

My sleep schedule is off... went to bed at 4:30 AM... slept 4 hours got up... and logged on the computer... haven't really left it...

Aargh... I have too much time on my hands and have not done anything productive... hate how this makes me feel. The depression I am constantly fighting gained ground on me today...

So in order to make a token effort towards a productive action... I am writing this...

I made a commitment to write... and well even if I don't feel like it... Here it is...

Got into a little discussion on facebook today... I will post it, changing the names for privacy...

Aquaintence 1 http://www.michaelsavage.wnd.com/files/filesSavage/petition/


SIGN THE PETITION!!! PLEASE!!! AND LISTEN TO TALK RADIO!!! READ ABOUT IT AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS JUST ASK!!!

MichaelSavage.com -- Home of the Savage Nation

Source: www.michaelsavage.wnd.com

Kiera Leanne

Michael Savage is an intelligent but harmful person when it comes to the GLBT community. While I do think that talk radio should be unregulated and free speech protected. I will not support anything through the channels of this hate monger.

Yesterday at 9:28pm · Delete

Random Person:

Amen to the response above. 19 hours ago

Aquaintance 1: I am sorry that you feel that way about him but you are entitled to your own opinion and I respect that.

19 hours ago

Random Person 2: you like Michael Savage???? and you do not like Obama???? I didn't know we had so much in common!!! It's just funny how everyone could say so many bad things about a republican president, but once you say bad things about Obama... out comes censorship and the racial card.

17 hours ago

Kiera Leanne

Please read my statement carefully... where did it mention Obama? Where did it mention race? Where did it mention censorship? Where did it mention republicans? The only thing which is deplored is Michael Savage himself, he is a hate monger. This is fact, he has stated in his show that America "is being taken over by the freaks, the cripples, the perverts and the mental defectives." He calls members of the GLBT community sick degenerates and groups them in the same sentence with bestiality. He makes money by pushing hate. I support free speech and unregulated radio, however... Michael Savage is a thug with a PhD and a microphone regardless of the validity or not of the causes he supports. Unfortunately everything he touches is tainted by his presence.

about an hour ago · Delete

So anyways... ugh... thoughts? Please tell me what you think

Kiera

Front Row Seats

I am constantly amazed at how fortunate I am with the people who have profoundly impacted my life. I cherish you my dear ones; even if you don't realize it.

Today while chatting with a new friend at a social site I enjoy being at, she expressed frustration of feeling like an outsider. We discussed that many of us there have known each other for years and that in general each and everyone of the people have had positive impacts in my life. During this exchange I was struck by the strength of my connections and the gratitude I have for them, and I found myself sharing this feeling of gratitude with specific examples of what I was grateful for. My new friend seemed amazed...

I am AMAZED.

Thank you loves, thank you for caring, thank you for pushing me forward and leading me onward.

It wasn't always like this, a few years ago, I came across a sermon that has had reverberations in my life and helped me to this place. The following is a slightly edited version of it:

"The more that you seek things honorable, the more you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW of your life and who should be moved to the balcony.

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention to; which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within your?

Life is like a theater-so invite your audience carefully. Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, and fellowships! You cannot change the people around you…but you can change the people you are around! Use wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

While you don't determine who walks into your life....YOU decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

I am surrounded by amazing people, thank you for being in the front row in my life.

I love you