My Smiling Face

This was written about two years ago and is still one of my favorites... please enjoy

My smiling face – Kiera Leanne 2/4/08

Dark abyssal depths
Constantly
Threaten to devour me
At any given moment
Without warning
Stealthily stalking; like a wolf
In sheep’s clothing
I am always caught
Unawares
Why am I…
Surprised?
It’s not as if
My existence
Is better than this
Yet I insist
On wearing the mask
Of smiles
What else can I do?
Otherwise
The burden;
Too great to be borne
Be discarded
Consuming darkness
Become my all…
Instead I must pretend
To progress
And hope pretense
Creates new reality
Otherwise
The future I long for
Recedes
Unattainable
By the likes of I
Returning
To the fiendish clutches
Of my pit of despair
No… I smile
Let the wolves come
Surprise me again
Reality must get better
Smile
I must…
I will…
Smile

GTT

Gone To Texas - So............. how is Kiera doing these days? Kiera is happy. I had the fortune of being able to travel through Virginia, Tennesee, Arkansas and a few other states lately on my travels to a safe haven in Austin, Texas. The timing really couldn't have been better, the leaves were changing colors and the weather was beautiful... truly felt like I was driving through a postcard paradise during most of this trip.

Baltimore is an awesome place, I loved being there, but nothing seemed to work, as if I wasn't meant to be there at all.

I have been here a few days... a few days and I am in heaven... who knew that Austin would be my home, the end of my gypsy days of whatever doesn't fit in the car stays behind... my yearning for the next horizon; the next new place, has been sated.

I couldn't have asked for a better welcome... could not have dreamed one better... am truly at peace.

Austin, a city that prides itself on welcoming the weird and is the live music capital of the US... here is where you'll find a happy Kiera who is putting down roots without complaint for the first time in her life...

Life is joyous

Another addition in my consolidation efforts

The following is my personal favorite poem. It also has the distinction of being my first published work.

Awakening

By KieraLeanne - 8/29/09

Silently passes
These pretenses of mine
From morbid facades
Of malevolent conformity
To Reality sublime
Constant affirmation
With a joy undreamt of…
Life unfolds
Like a plot twisted novel
The ending obscure; unknown
The past is a page away
A lifetime ago
And seen from the beginning...
Who is this stranger
Who smiles
In mirrored surfaces
From unfamiliar depths of my soul?
Whoever she is
I know she is alive
More joyous; vibrant
Than the me that was me.
And wasn’t me at all.

Art, Stress and Love - Part 2

Ok, to follow up on a few things as promised...

I have found great peace in taking time to watch the fireflies and in truly enjoying the beauty of nature. Lately I've taken to meditating and finding a clarity that is quite joyous to me. Nature is its own work of art, a masterpiece that is oft imitated by masterpieces found in museums.

I made some difficult decisions but feel at peace, I am walking the path I am meant to be walking and am better for the experience.

I was offered a part time (to start) job at a BurgerKing in Austin, TX... I know... it's such a glamorous job! But it will work to bring me closer to stable. After discussing it with friends, I will take this most prestigious of positions. Imagine that... relocating again... for a part time fast food job...

Well, not quite... moving also because I have a place to stay... no privacy... but... people I love and trust (who also offered the job) are willing to let me stay for free in exchange for the use of my car; another car in the house will allow one of them to work full time again. The extra income from that makes them more than happy to offer me a couch n a place to stay. Eventually, when I make enough money, I will take over the rent for a roomie who wants to move out.

Leaving behind? Well a sort of disaster... I moved to Baltimore for a relationship that seemed to flit away from me faster than I could get here. Won't go into all of it as I do love them still... however... I am on the lease, with no job... me staying here without a job would make things worse than me leaving and getting a job elsewhere.

The impending sense of doom I felt approaching me seemed inescapable. I... want to make things right here... but I have no resources in Baltimore, and emotionally I was being used up too...

I hope that soon I will be able to make restitution for the abandonment of a lease, mayhaps I am burning a bridge that will refuse to be repaired... I hope not...

I am moving forward in a positive direction; impending disaster seems to be retreating; The price I must pay for this bit of freedom, I accept.

Relationship: No... it is not enough to have a relationship that improves only after ending it. While I love this person, I cannot be treated this way, and choose not to spend my days trying to put Humpty back together. It's doomed and the frustrations I feel about trying to find ways to make things work without giving me up is too great. I pray that someone comes along who is truly compatible and will bring joy in their life. It is not I.

I am a better person for this experience. No regrets, I put all of me into this, and am somewhat proud of the fact that I am able to risk it all... even though it ultimately didn't work this time... Next time will... or maybe even the next...

*smiles*

This has been yet another chapter in the wild ride Kiera calls life...

I feel things are calming down... and joy is around the corner.

Your Love

I am going to repost poems n writings from all over the web to a consolidated place... here... so some of you have likely read this already, a poem I wrote to my family a while back that is important to me...

Your Love

Your love for me is tangible
It never is in doubt
You show that love in many ways
And strive to help me out

The tragedy is that you feel
So strongly about what's "right"
You taught, lived and disciplined
Your truths both day and night

I could not find myself
Not in your close held truths
No matter how hard I tried
Against me, I did choose

Our mutual love kept me trapped
In striving to do your "good"
I only denied myself
Far longer than I should

Years passed by and finally
I managed to start to heal
Finding my own deep "truths"
That, to you, are not real

You try to show your love
By calling me every day
I sometimes forget you care
When you talk to me this way

You see, your love is hurting me
And what you think is help
Is abject torture to my ears
Wrapped in loving stealth

If I were to try to do
The things that you require
To save my soul, eternally
I know that I'd expire

This love you share hurts
I cannot talk to you more
I understand why you act
and yet, I must close the door

You don't understand, You won't understand
Your beliefs get in the way
Your love for me it hurts too much
And I must stay away

And I must stay away.

Art, Stress and Love

Art is powerful, awe inspiring magic. Creation of shared experiences through the medium of poetry, song, or any other artistic endeavor is divine.

Shared a beautiful day of artistic expression with cherished ones today. I have been blessed yet again. Enriched by the favorite music, by the poetry and the love.

So enriched I, that although I am yet unemployed and feeling trapped, I am at peace.

THANK YOU

Every step of this journey is made with the loving support of my peers.

I sojourn in Baltimore. The jobs just are not responding. I am beginning to seriously question wether I should search in markets further afar from this stop on my journey. I have applied to hundreds of jobs. Hundreds n hundreds. With no results. If this continues, I will lose my car and I fear I will bring loved ones down with me...

The time is rapidly coming to a point where difficult decisions will need to be made...

In the end, I will follow my heart....

In the recent past, my heart has been torn apart and healed; demolished and rebuilt. The resulting effect?

I KNOW I am loved... I FEEL it, palpable, heady brew.

Discovered this week that in letting go, a relationship got better... is it enough?

More to follow...

Thank you Loves