I have found great peace in taking time to watch the fireflies and in truly enjoying the beauty of nature. Lately I've taken to meditating and finding a clarity that is quite joyous to me. Nature is its own work of art, a masterpiece that is oft imitated by masterpieces found in museums.
I made some difficult decisions but feel at peace, I am walking the path I am meant to be walking and am better for the experience.
I was offered a part time (to start) job at a BurgerKing in Austin, TX... I know... it's such a glamorous job! But it will work to bring me closer to stable. After discussing it with friends, I will take this most prestigious of positions. Imagine that... relocating again... for a part time fast food job...
Well, not quite... moving also because I have a place to stay... no privacy... but... people I love and trust (who also offered the job) are willing to let me stay for free in exchange for the use of my car; another car in the house will allow one of them to work full time again. The extra income from that makes them more than happy to offer me a couch n a place to stay. Eventually, when I make enough money, I will take over the rent for a roomie who wants to move out.
Leaving behind? Well a sort of disaster... I moved to Baltimore for a relationship that seemed to flit away from me faster than I could get here. Won't go into all of it as I do love them still... however... I am on the lease, with no job... me staying here without a job would make things worse than me leaving and getting a job elsewhere.
The impending sense of doom I felt approaching me seemed inescapable. I... want to make things right here... but I have no resources in Baltimore, and emotionally I was being used up too...
I hope that soon I will be able to make restitution for the abandonment of a lease, mayhaps I am burning a bridge that will refuse to be repaired... I hope not...
I am moving forward in a positive direction; impending disaster seems to be retreating; The price I must pay for this bit of freedom, I accept.
Relationship: No... it is not enough to have a relationship that improves only after ending it. While I love this person, I cannot be treated this way, and choose not to spend my days trying to put Humpty back together. It's doomed and the frustrations I feel about trying to find ways to make things work without giving me up is too great. I pray that someone comes along who is truly compatible and will bring joy in their life. It is not I.
I am a better person for this experience. No regrets, I put all of me into this, and am somewhat proud of the fact that I am able to risk it all... even though it ultimately didn't work this time... Next time will... or maybe even the next...
*smiles*
This has been yet another chapter in the wild ride Kiera calls life...
I feel things are calming down... and joy is around the corner.
I love your blogs. You have such great heart my friend. It's reeeeeeeeaally a stunning quality to behold. Your heart is open and giving even forgiving, all traits I can't seem to generate after a few deep hurts (myself). Still I deeply value those qualities in the world. So I hope and will pray that your path is blessed forever, like a daughter, a best friend, a sister...I am wishing you the well that has eluded me.
ReplyDelete*And others do find it. It just wasn't the path carved for me, up to now.*
And it is courageous to move and make a better choice simply for the mechanics of your life. But it looks like it was even more than that because you will be with and around those you trust and who care. That is an important distinction to make. Oft times I think we trust people because they offer a way without examining their stake and their stake is ALWAYS important.
Burger King is a job, just like any other. It is a "job," and will hold the dignity you imbue it with. My first job was at a Wendy's and I have to tell you, I've had many higher paying jobs since then...with more respect in the eyes of the world, but it was one of my best, to date.
I was never disrespected by management for not being "friends," instead of a worker, my work never dismissed when ill-advised strategies failed to work...it was a humble environment...with the team spirit built into management as well. Everyone worked hard and had to, there were no slackers getting away with it because of who they were like, who liked them, who desired them. A very likable job indeed.
The added as you've said, it will help you get on your feet.
And, in these times....
Regarding the relationship though, sometimes we must disappoint others to honor ourselves. Most-relationship oriented people can achieve this when the relationships we must set down are more distant. For the promise of a partner or romantic liason, however, most abandon themselves without question. Fast forward, five years and those who have, are unrecognizable (value-system).
See, where we have to compromise ourselves (our essence), will usually require more and more sacrifice until an "us," is gone. No where in sight. I'm proud of you for choosing to honor you first, for respecting yourself enough to choose what might be best for you instead of ignoring it in lieu of the prize.
As far as the lease is concerned, you have always struck me as a person with some integrity, I know you will do your best to repay....I hope your friends can afford to extend you time.